Dear Dads cat……….

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Our cat………. I am going to admit it right here and now that I don’t like our cat. I don’t hate her, she is part of the family and I love her equally. I just prefer to not spend my free time with it. Why you ask? Cause our cat is an asshole. Yep you heard it, an asshole, and not just now and then but all the bloody time.

Eva is our family cat and we all love her, she is a part of the family. But if she was my child I would be sending her off to boarding school or some psychiatric hospital for people with severe social issues. Eva has the personality of a house brick, my wife would argue otherwise. But I think she has deep seeded issues that only strong drugs could fix. My wife and girls love Eva, they think she can do no wrong. But I can see it in her eyes that she is 90% of the time up to no good. She lays around like she owns the place and if I move her on I get the death look. The rest of the time she ignores me and pretends I don’t exist. Except at dinner time, then she is my best bloody friend and won’t stop talking to me – I feel used….

I’ll admit straight up that I am a dog person, I enjoy their company more and find them more practical for families, but yes I am biased. Eva won’t play with the girls where as the dogs do. Eva can’t come on walks because she looses her shit when we stick her on a leash, Missy and Tyson (our Rotties) love walks. Eva terrorises the neighbourhood birds and other wildlife, Missy and Tyson are flat out looking at a bird if it walks past them. We can take the dogs camping, I can’t even imagine the shit that Eva would get up to if we took her out bush.

Eva and I play a game, she spends all day trying to get in the house and all night trying to get out. I have taken it on as my job to ensure the Eva does not get what she wants. On occasion where I have failed in my mission Eva has gotten out at night and brought us some dead wildlife. Hence why I am ruthless in ensuring she stays inside at night. She also spends all day trying to sneak back inside so she can sleep all day. Over my dead body!! You want to sleep? Go find a nice spot in the sun. Or better yet, get a job and start contributing to the family.

The other night it was about 7:30pm and I needed to put the rubbish out, Eva heard me putting the keys in the door and came bolting into the lounge to execute her escape, she stopped in her tracks when she turned the corner and found me looking at her. She turned tail and scooted back into the bedroom. Not on my watch pussy cat!! My wife says I am paranoid, and I should give Eva a break. She agrees that Eva must stay inside at night but is not so fussed about her lounging around all day. I have other ideas.

In saying all this, if the wife and I are laying in bed Eva will come join us and 9 times out of 10 will lay next to me looking for pats. And I have to begrudgingly admit that she does get them from me because she is a family member and loved the same. I’m sure she is only doing it to make me feel bad, cause you know cats are that smart….

(Disclaimer: No cats were harmed in the making of this post. For all the crazy cat people out there: the above is satirical so please think before you post, love – All the dog people)

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