Dear Dads, Do you think that sleep should be able to be bought and sold on the black market…….

eyelashes

Since our girls have been born, sleep in’s have never been a regular occurrence in our house. In fact I can count on one hand how many sleep in’s I have had in the last 3 years. You see in our house and probably every other house with children under…. I want to say 3 but let’s face it… At least 10, there is no such thing as a sleep in, it’s a word used in forgotten conversations, read about in history books by sleep deprived parents. The rare occasions I get a sleep in it is because my wife has gotten up and kept them amused since 5am in the morning. The sleep in is then only partially enjoyed because I know I will pay for it and sleep in’s in our house do not come cheap and are getting more expensive as time goes on. Last one cost me half a day with the girls so my better half could enjoy a bath without having to share it with two hyped up seals on cocaine. Was a nice day though. My wife’s last one cost her a fully cooked roast just the way I like it.

The lack of sleep in is only part of the drama of being woken up early. You see our little ninja’s have discovered all sorts of interesting ways to barge into our bedroom or pry open my tightly held shut eye lids. And if bashing the door/wall/cat for 30 mins doesn’t bring the desired results ie: parents are up and breakfast is on the way then they just promptly sit on my head! And then bounce.

From 5:30am till at least 7am our king size bed becomes a zoo… Teddies, toys, shoes, games, books, and any food they have managed to swipe out of the pantry are all loaded onto our bed. Last week I woke up to our entire DVD collection on the bed, because watching daddy wake up to being hit with “seven years in Tibet” DVD is hilarious apparently.

So once it has been confirmed 30 times over that I am actually awake and there is no possibility in the entire universe that I may actually be able to get back to sleep, they crawl under the covers and begin to torture me with their ice cold hands and feet. I am a raging furnace to them and their extremities are like little frozen icicles stabbing me everywhere. To be honest I wouldn’t mind this so much if they laid still, but as I am sure your nodding your head in agreement before I even say it…. It’s like laying in a plastic bag with 10 octopus, wriggling grabbing pinching and kicking…. And lots of sitting on dads head. I especially love the occasional “what you doing daddy? Daddy? Daddy? What you doing?” Sigh, I have over a million sarcastic answers for these that they don’t get and causes my wife to roll her eyes but I say non the less. I pray for each moment one of them rests for 30 secs to gather energy for the next onslaught, as I use this time to think of a glorious bed made of clouds with no children for hundreds of miles.

On occasion I will get up straight away and just get into the morning routine only to walk back into our bed room after I have aligned the planets, moved the house 3 inches to the left and gotten all breakfast onto the table still Warm/cold/non soggy/still intact to find our little cherubs asleep in our bed. This is followed by a fleeting moment of intense rage/complete utter disappointment and genuine shock then brushed off as I quietly retreat to have my own breakfast without it descending into feeding time in the monkey cage at Taronga Zoo.

I think of all the times I wasted a good sleep in before children came along, and wonder why was their no warning? Billboards, TV ads, pro sleep in door knockers spreading the word that it would all end like an apocalypse once a little bundle of skin was delivered by the stalk. Why did I not read about it in sports illustrated or Mechanics monthly. Seriously we need to spread the word and warn the younger generation to cherish the sleep in as much as possible, because as inevitable as the sun coming up tomorrow once your life is invaded by a mini me your shut eye passed 6:30am is gone for years!!

I am just waiting for the day my little early morning ninja’s become teenage koala bears wanting to sleep in till noon, then I will inflict revenge exactly how it was played out 11 years earlier, including them waking up to my entire wardrobe dumped on their bed for no other reason except I think it will look good there. For you non parents I am sure your shocked by my ramblings. Don’t be, your time will come. For all you parents reading this , I know you have your own little revenge plans locked away patiently waiting for the day…..

And that’s just fine by me.

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