I am standing in front of two doors with my near 4yr old daughter, faced with quite possibly the toughest choice of my life….. It’s nerve racking, I don’t know the answer and the wrong one could lead to ridicule and being asked to leave the premises. I need to pick fast as I have a little ticking time bomb right beside me….. I choose the ladies room and head in. I figure all the rude bits are tucked away behind closed stalls, and there is far less chance of a stray willy being pointed at a trough coming into eye sight of my daughter.
I pick my daughter up and hold her in front of me as we walk in, like she is a free pass to allow me to pass in to male uncharted territory. I pass two ladies on the way in and get a shocked look from one and a stern look from the other. Crap….. Did I make the wrong choice? Should I have gone into the male bathroom? Am I now officially a pervert? Has security been called? Unfortunately I have no time to think about it, this little girl has got to pee! I grab the first free stall I find as I go in, apparently this was quite a feet finding one empty as the norm is I should have been standing in line for at least 20mins as I find out later from my wife… I put Brooke down and close the door. I then promptly get told to “please get out Daddy, I can do this myself”. I can’t leave the sanctity of the stall?!?!? With out a daughter to hold as a white flag I am in enemy territory!! I’ll be eaten alive.
Brooke demands again that I “get out”. I eventually reach a truce agreement signed in blood that I promise not to look and will stay turned around. I press my head against the back of the stall door and close my eyes. Then it’s starts, at first I think someone has had a little to much wine and is in high spirits (no pun intended) but very quickly realise the singing is coming from my stall…. Brooke is feeling the urge to belt out “let it go” whilst doing a wee. Now our soon to be 4yr old has not quite got the grasp of bathroom etiquette, asking her to stop will only end in a tantrum. I stay quiet, but with such a catchy tune I find myself, in behind enemy lines singing the tune in my head. I also start to chuckle a little at the humour of someone singing “let it go” in a bathroom stall. I hear giggles come from 2 stalls down showing someone else is just as childish as me and gets the joke.
I ask Brooke is she finished yet as it feels like we have been here for eternity, “no daddy” she replies “I do poos”….. OMG I am trapped here forever.. In this dark grey capsule that seems to bend time… It’s then I notice how nice the bathroom smells. Guys bathrooms always smell of urinal cakes, wee and dodgy aftershave. This bathroom smells great, fresh even. I do a quick scan of my four protecting walls and as suspected no graffiti. I also promptly get told again “no looking daddy”. You ladies have it sweet, last guys toilet I went into had a running conversation on the wall about who had the bigger Penis, and some guy called Kevin who wanted to meet people here at 11pm for a good time…….
Finally I hear the sweet sounds of success as Brooke finishes up. I crack open the stall door and head out, once again I get eyed off by one woman as make my way to the sink, I’m sure she thought my intentions were evil as Brooke had stayed in the stall trying to get the top seat down (is it just instinct for you ladies????) I rush back in and grab Brooke and carry her out once again like my get out of jail free pass.
We wash hands and leave the enemy territory. I spot another dad on my way out, we look at each other for a split second and nod, he knows it, I know it, we have shared a similar experience that only dads with daughters would understand. We have been into the lions (lioness’s) den and survived. I make my way back to my wife and as soon as I get back she tells me “did you go into the ladies?” Umm yes yes I did but I am now guessing my decision making 10 mins ago was fundamentally flawed and I was about to find out why. No no you always go into the adult gender toilet, but only if the parents room toilet is full….. OMG I forgot about the parents room…………….