Some times I wonder who struggles more with safety latches…….. the toddler who their designed to keep out or the Dear Dads who installed them…….

Looking around our house it is hard to find a draw or cabinet that doesn’t take at least 5 mins to get into. Every thing is child locked or baby proof secured, even Macgyver would be over and into the credits before the main antagonist had worked out how to access the laundry cupboard. On the draws and cupboards that we don’t want ugly straps and locks on, the shelves sit bare….. Endless storage opportunities wasted due to the inquisitive nature of our 10 month old and 2 year old.

To be honest they really sit empty because you can only pack up and alphabetized your DVD’s so many times in one day before it drives you bat shit crazy and you end up throwing them all in the bin, that or leave them spread to the four corners of the house because the toddler of the manor thinks “hunt for red October” and “Shawshank redemption” belong in the bathroom or jammed in the dishwasher. Last week I found the movie “The Full Monty” stashed in my wardrobe, I laughed at the irony. I constantly find Random objects in random places. The week before last it was one fake plastic cupcake and a ear off Mr potato head in my work boots. Was a nice gift at 5 in the morning, it did make me chuckle but also made me wonder what else is stashed in random places in the house, never to be seen again till the day we pack up to move?!?!?

That is the other thing, these locks don’t just stop little fingers going all kleptomaniac on our belongs and rearranging the house as they see fit but they also stop said 2 year old using our TV low line for her own personal treasure chest. Opening a door of the low line on any day can reveal a glory box of amazing items that bear no relation to each other what so ever, dads hat, mums underwear, one of dads thongs (which I had searched high and low for days) a handful of books and last but not least a half chewed apple. If you try to remove any of these items with either child around you best come armed for war because melt downs of epic proportions rain down when all these objects are moved back to where they really belong.

Manufacturers have made millions in gadgets that look cool in the shop but have little practicality at home…. The magnetic door lock, leaves your cupboard looking child lock free, but also leaves parents pulling there hair out when they can’t remember exactly where the lock is behind the door and frantically waving the magnet around trying to get it to unlock. I know I have had my wife in fits of laughter waving the magnet against a door trying to get the lock to disconnect to only been shown it has a completely different retention mechanism. Ironically it is also a door that our toddler and crawler have shown no interest in and probably don’t even know it’s there much less care.

All our book cases are bolted down, something gets dropped down the back?? It’s staying there till the end of time!!!! locked in a time capsule. Dad can only bring the drill out so many times to unbolt said book case before he loses his rag completely. This however does not stop the children trying to stuff as much as possible down the back of the bookcase…….. just because they can. If I have lost something in the house I don’t freak out anymore, I know it’s around here somewhere. Clean up days in our house are more exciting than going shopping. Coming home to a pile of items on the bed that I haven’t seen in months with a smiling wife exclaiming “you will never guess what I found today?!?!?”

I will have to admit I do get a bit of a laugh when I walk past a cupboard that is slightly jammed open with a pencil/ruler/dolls head/thong sticking out of it in an act of defiance from our toddler who will not be beaten by safety locks and door latches.

So if you ever come to my house and find me yelling at a perfectly normal cupboard or door, be kind to me, I have probably locked my keys inside and can’t work out the child lock to get them out……………

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